What a difference a drink makes.

Another post about mind stuff,if you’re not interested then here is a link to video of a dog in a hot air balloon http://youtu.be/uZfLTDT69YA

I spent last night (Christmas eve) in the venue that I talked about in my ‘alcohol and anti-depressants ruined my life boo hoo hoo hoo’ post.

The situation was pretty much identical to the one a few weeks ago except for this time the pub was full of friends that I hadn’t seen for years and the only drinks to pass my lips were made up of lime cordial,fizzy water,frozen water (ice) and (depending on which bar maid made the drink) a slice of lemon and or lime.

The difference in my mentalness was night and day,there was no sinking feeling,no anger,no urge to just get the hell out of there and even though the person I would have quite happily beaten to bethlehem with a bar stool a few weeks ago was there and acting pretty bellendrical (a word a made up,feel free to use it) I kept it together and generally felt pretty stable (christmas pun intended).

I spent a lot of time catching up with she who shall not be named (I won’t name her because Its not fair on her ) and instead of it feeling heart wrenchingly painful and soul destroying it was really nice. There were still moments where old Mr Paranoia and his partner in crime Sir Jealousy showed their faces but they were quickly washed away with a sip of refreshing lime based soda drink.

Today was Christmas day (obviously),a day that I dread every year. I am not sure if it’s down to the forced jolliness or the fact it was always a bit of a stressful,tense and unpleasant time for me when I was growing up for various reasons but its something I can never really get into no matter how hard I try to feel positive about it.

Wearing antlers,drinking tea and cuddling Dora the freaky pub cross something or other is about as Christmassy as I get.

Last year was probably the first year I have enjoyed Christmas since I was young enough to still believe in Santa. I spent the majority of it at she who shall not be named’s house.They do Christmas right,its fun,laid back and there is very little stress and no tension what so ever. Things happen when they happen and even if there is a plan it very rarely gets stuck to and that isn’t a problem.

This year was always going to be more difficult than last year because things are so much different now.She and me are no longer together and I am in the process of recovering from a whole load of mental fuckery but a combination of the fact that last night went so well,the lack of alcohol,the medication and the therapy I have been having made it far more bearable than I ever imagined it would be when I thought about it a month or so ago.

I spent the morning with my family (the Yorkshire puddings were perfect well done mum) and then the evening at she who shall not be named’s house,I have been friends with her family for years which makes it a very complicated situation! We all played games and tried to master the art of flying tiny radio controlled helicopters that seem to prefer smashing into things before throwing themselves around on the floor like some kind of epileptic spider. It wasn’t anywhere near a happy time as last year by any stretch and again there were a few moments that re-awoke Mr Paranoia and Sir Jealousy but thats something I am working on learning to deal with.

So thats level 1 first night out in the pub in the company of certain people and level 2 Christmas day completed.

Boxing day night is level 3 and I am hoping that I can make it a hat trick.

PROGRESS !

Will be spending some time tomorrow adding some destinations to mine and GPS Kevins’s shared google map as well as ordering a few bits for my scooter so there will be a trip orientated post next week unless it all goes tits up on boxing day and I end up getting arrested for attempted murder…….. LOL

Route Down.

Its been nearly two weeks since my last post,unfortunately the delay is due to me being massively drunk and crying all day every day…………….not really I have just been really busy at work and didn’t have much to say.

Since my last post I have sung and played ukulele on stage for the first time (scary) and had my first sober birthday since I was about 15 (boring),started talking to someone I haven’t spoken to properly for a while (frustrating) AND received an email from the one and only GPS Kevin.

A couple of weeks back GPS Kev asked me to send him a list of places I wanted to visit on my trip. Not really knowing much about America I didn’t really know what to say so I just told him I wanted to see ‘big stuff’ hoping that he would say ‘Ah big stuff,I know just the route for you…….buddy’ and that would be that. Unfortunately he needed a bit more info from me than that so I asked my friends on Facebook for recommendations.

The recommendations came in thick and fast,from the Hoover dam to Yosemite national park and one that I had somehow totally forgotten about THE JACK DANIELS DISTILLERY I have heard stories about this place from my friend Niki who had visited it a few years ago,its going to be a bit of a massive detour but I am aiming to be medication free and as happy as happy can possibly be by the time I fly to New York so all those extra miles will be worth it when I am soaking neck deep in a barrel of ol’ number 7.

Another excellent suggestion was this list from my friend Cara –
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_world%27s_largest_roadside_attractions#Pennsylvania

This is a list of the world’s largest roadside attractions that can be found in America.

The list contains everything from the worlds largest goose –

To the worlds largest kaleidoscope (a word I have typed so much recently that I now know how to spell it) –

Look at its face hahahahah !

I decided that seeing as many of the ‘worlds largest’ stuff would be a bit of a theme for the trip,so I put together a list of all the places that I wanted to visit along the way and sent it off over the pond to GPS K.

A few days later I heard back from Kev and Kev was pleased,the list was ‘just what he was looking for’ and he had added all the places I had listed to a google map that we can both edit.

I spent an hour or so adding some of the ‘worlds largest’ stuff that I wanted to stop at,in just three states I will see the worlds largest shoe,clothes peg,kaleidoscope,button,yogi bear,ketchup bottle,Wind chime,golf tee,knitting needles,crochet hook (what is one of these ?) and rocking chair.

Now obviously it wont be possible to visit absolutely every thing I add to the map,I only have a limited amount of time and I don’t want the trip to turn into some kind of endurance ride but the map is a kind of short list that me and GPS Kev can whittle down until we are a left with a route that is physically possible without having to ride 400 miles a day.

PROGRESS !

So whats next ? Keep adding to the map,keep buying stuff that I need,keep talking to people about the trip and getting ideas and most importantly I have set myself the goal of having the tickets for both me and my scoot bought and paid for by the 19th of January if I dont achieve this goal then I am going to give up on the whole idea and go back to being a full time miserable bastard.

Thanks for reading,the fact that people are still showing an interest is still a bit baffling and at the same time really encouraging.

What Goes Up Must Come Down.

For those of you expecting an update on the trip you might want to give this post a miss and go and watch a video of dogs failing to catch balls or something.

In fact here is a link – http://youtu.be/ltS0G7KA7XQ

This post is purely about ‘mental stuff’ in the hope that getting it off my chest and sharing it with whoever decides to read it will make me feel a bit better (its has so far). There will be another trip related post at some point during the week after I have spoken to GPS Kevin.

You have been warned…….

This weekend I learned that when doctors and therapists tell you to stay away from alcohol for a while it is for good reason.

I have been taking an anti-depressant called citalopram for about three weeks now and it seems to have had a few positive affects. My mood has been lifted and I have been feeling much lighter. I have also been avoiding alcohol since my first doctors appointment a couple of months ago.

This weekend was a big social occasion that I had been working towards/looking forward to for weeks. A couple of close friends had taken over a pub and were turning it into a venue for live music,comedy and general fun times. They only had a few weeks to complete the work so I had been going down when ever I was off work to help with the build.

Because of all this I thought I would run the risk and have a few drinks to celebrate   the opening.

A blurry pick of a half finished light box –

I did a bit of online research before hand to see if anyone had experienced any ill affects from mixing alcohol and citalopram.

Some people said that drinking while being on the drug had made no difference at all,some said that after a couple of glasses of wine they felt like they had been on a 12 hour binge while one person said that they had to go home half way through the night to change their underwear and trousers because…… well I think you can work out why !

Everyone knows that google is full of hypochondriacs. ‘Google’ headache and you will have people telling you that you have a brain tumour,got a blocked nose ? That’s nose aids,that slight ache in your left knee ? That’s outer siberian thrombosis (google it,its real).

So I thought that as I was feeling so good about everything I would pack a spare pair of boxers and find out for myself.

The night started well,catching up with loads of friends that I hadn’t seen for ages and generally feeling good. But after the second pint I could feel myself getting ‘that sinking feeling’ anyone who has been depressed or a bit  down in the dumps will know what I am talking about.

Now normally at this point I would have just vanished without a word and gone home but that’s what the old me would have done and I am trying to make him a thing of the past so instead I made a quick call to V Czul for some moral support and decided to keep my chin up,stick around,have a couple more drinks and try to have some fun.

Well,that lasted for about twenty minutes. Its not right to go into details publicly but I saw some stuff that turned ‘that sinking feeling’ into ‘that drowning feeling mixed with a double shot of angry,violent idiot’.

So rather than getting myself barred on the opening night of a venue that I had spent weeks helping build for smashing a certain persons face in with a bar stool I got my coat,gave my 4th pint away and got the hell out of there. I walked home feeling horrible and like I was back to square one.

So my google review of alcohol and citalopram.

1 out or 5.

Had 4 pints,lost all positivity and gained a shit load of sadness mixed with anger/violence.Also just to rub salt in the wound I woke up the next morning feeling like I had drank a whole bottle of Jack Daniels.

Its now Sunday afternoon, I had my last drink at about midnight on friday and I have missed a whole weekend of fun and I am still feeling low.

It would be a 0 out of 5 review but I made it home ‘un-soiled’ so it gets one star.

Another lesson learned,no more booze for me for a while.

The Journey So Far.

Well that was a bit of a shock !

In 5 days my first blog post has been read 320 times,I am not sure if the times I re-read it and noticed all the dodgy spelling and grammar are counted in this total but still ……….320 !

After I published it I  was ummming and ahhhing about sharing a link to the post on Facebook.Mr cynical told me that only attention seeking teenagers post about what they are thinking/feeling on Facebook. Mr Cynical is just jealous that I have stolen my profile back from him and wont be using it to constantly moan about stuff anymore (my ‘timehop’ is like reading a page from scrooges diary).

So I made the decision that I had kept all this stuff to myself for most of my life,it hadn’t done me any good so far and posted it……….. and then felt very sick and hovered over the delete post button.

Posting the link on Facebook was a massively cathartic experience and all the support I have received has blown me away 80+ likes (its not cool to know the exact amount) (84),49 well wishing comments,messages,1 share,texts,phone calls and a couple of people stopping me in the street (people I know,not strangers that would be weird).

All of the above culminated in me feeling pretty damn fantastic for a couple of days which is something that hasn’t happened in a while so thank you all very much you’re amazing.

So back to the trip –

The dream was always to ride coast to coast,taking two lane highways,back roads,sleeping in motels,eating in diners,meeting people and collecting stories along the way.

For a couple of days I bottled it a bit,the familiar voice of Mr Self Doubt piped up and convinced me that there was no way I could ride that far. I decided as a compromise instead of coast to coast I would fly to Chicago and follow Route 66 to LA .After some further research and forking out on some expensive illustrated maps I discovered that a large chunk of Route 66 no longer exists and locating/following the route could end up being a bit of an un-necessary pain in the arse.

The maps,a couple of states are missing because I stuck them on my wall for inspiration –

So it was back to plan A,coast to coast.

For about a week I stared at the atlas that I bought,spent hours on google maps and posted on forums just trying to work out how to go about planning a route across such a massive country that would be both interesting and physically possible in the month that I have taken off work to complete the trip.

That was when I stumbled across this post – http://www.advrider.com/forums/showthread.php?t=988742

If you cant be bothered to put the little arrow on the link and apply pressure to the button on the mouse with your index finger I will quickly explain what it was that I found.

The link is to a forum called ‘Adventure rider’,its a site for people who like to have adventures on two wheels. This specific post is buy a guy called GPS Kevin. This summer Kevin and his son rode across America from San francisco to New York at 25mph on a Honda CT70 and a 150cc Chinese scooter (for those of you who don’t know anything about bikes they basically did it on mopeds).

Kevin and his son at the start of their trip –

It also just so happens that GPS Kevin is a very friendly helpful guy who likes to programme GPS routes for people to load on to their sat navs and follow.After a quick email conversation with Kevin discussing what I want from the trip (more on this later) he agreed to programme a route for me for a small and very reasonable fee RESULT.

The ball is well and truly rolling,all this planning is doing a great job of occupying my mind during what is potentially a very tough couple of months for me (more on this later too).
Although it seems like every time I cross something off my to do list something else gets added it’s all massively exciting and if I could I would leave tomorrow.